To listen to today’s reflection as a podcast, click here
Q: Why did it take Moses 40 years to lead the people of Israel to the Promised Land?
A: Because men don’t ask for directions.
Georgetown professor Deborah Tannen, who is probably the closest thing to a national expert on male-female communication issues, hears that one all the time.
Then there’s the one about the guy whose girlfriend breaks up with him because he’s so bad with directions. “So,” he says, “I packed up my belongings and right.”
Tannen’s breakthrough book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women & Men in Conversation (1990) was on the NY Times bestseller list for nearly 4 years, including 8 months as the #1 non-fiction title. In that volume, and in a dozen other books, she explores what most of us know from experience: Men and women have unique ways of interacting with others.
Early in her career Tannen had the chance to study videos that revealed how different genders speak to their closest friends.
Researchers had filmed hundreds of hours of girls speaking with other girls, and boys speaking with other boys – including 5-year-old, 15-year-old, and 40-year-old best friends. What she observed “just blew me away.”
The girls tended to look at each other while they spoke. They leaned into their conversation and held each other’s gaze. Speaking together was clearly a valued way to build their friendship. This was true at every age, from preschool to adulthood.
The boys, on the other hand, almost never looked at each other. They rarely made eye contact They sat parallel to each other, or at angles, almost as if they were stretched out side by side in the front seat of a car, looking straight ahead.
Several researchers promptly concluded that boys must be emotionally disengaged in the midst of conversations, even in ones that are highly personal and self-revealing.
Tannen disagrees. Their body language is simply different – dramatically different, as it turns out, from that of most women.
And that means, from the get-go, that women and men have the potential to misunderstand each other even before the first word is spoken.
We assume that others mean what we would mean if we were adopting a particular body posture, or if we happened to make certain comments. But such assumptions, according to Tannen, routinely get us into trouble. We can end up “hearing” things that our conversation partners never intended.
So, what about asking for directions?
As a rule, men are more hesitant than women to ask strangers for help.
Why? Men seem to have an instinctive anxiety about going “one down” to someone else – in this case, allowing themselves to go into “relational debt” to a total stranger. It seems to hearken back to a primal fear of being bossed around, put into place, or being told what to do.
Tannen points out that most women consider this crazy. Instead of assuming that asking for help is a relational loss, isn’t it wiser to think of it as normal and healthy? But she can see where men are coming from. They’re wired to be protective of their partners. Men, therefore, don’t easily let down their guards.
Here’s what we know for sure: God is enthusiastic whenever people ask for directions.
“If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it” (James 1:5, The Message).
When we ask for help, by what means are we most likely to hear from God?
Over the past three centuries, Christians have been influenced by John Wesley, whose teaching and preaching led to the establishment of the Methodist Church and its sister fellowships. The so-called Wesleyan Quadrilateral describes four sources of insight. They are always in dynamic tension: Scripture, reason, tradition, and experience.
In other words, what does the Bible say? What makes good sense? What have others learned who have traveled this path before me? What can I glean from my own past?
Followers of Jesus generally agree that Scripture is the ultimate referee in the ongoing dialogue between these sources. But when all four come together, it’s full speed ahead.
Whether you’re young or old, male or female, a brand-new disciple or an old hand at spiritual journeys, the Promised Land is worth reaching.
Don’t be afraid, therefore, to dial up God’s 411 when you’re wondering where to take your next step.
