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Every year, millions of people experience rejection.
Every incident feels painful.
Middle schoolers will receive just a handful of Likes for their social media postings. High school seniors will receive letters from colleges that begin, “At this time, unfortunately, we are unable…” Online daters will receive no inquiries concerning their profiles.
More than half a million new businesses will close their doors during the next 12 months.
At least a quarter-million weddings will be canceled, and some 877,000 spouses will receive the news that someone who once promised, “I will always love you,” has experienced a change of mind and heart and filed for divorce.
Failure is rough. Failure happens to your best efforts. But rejection is far worse. Rejection happens toyou.
More than a decade ago, Jia Jiang – a young Chinese immigrant who had moved to Austin, Texas – decided to do something to confront his feelings of rejection.
Jiang felt emotionally paralyzed by the experience of seeking funding for his technology start-up, only to be repeatedly rejected. Then he heard about a program called Rejection Therapy.
Jia resolved that 100 days in a row he would ask for something outrageous – requests that would obviously be turned down flat – so he could get used to hearing the word no. Hopefully the experience of rejection would gradually lose its cutting edge.
“My goal is to desensitize myself from the pain of rejection and overcome my fear,” he explained in a blog documenting his efforts.
What Jia had already grasped is that the fear of rejection is what gives personal disappointments so much power over our lives.
Jiang then went out and made some crazy requests, bracing himself to hear 100 nyets. He even filmed each moment, not just to document his efforts but to go back and learn more about his responses to rejection.
He asked a stranger to loan him $100. No way.
He went to the counter at Five Guys and requested a “burger refill.” Excuse me? “A burger refill.” Uh, no.
Jia also experienced rejection when he asked to speak over Costco’s in-store intercom, deliver a Domino’s Pizza, and cut all the way to the front of the line at Best Buy on Black Friday. It’s amazing he wasn’t mugged for making that last request.
Then he went to his local Krispy Kreme Doughnut store, where he was served by Jackie Braun, that day’s shift leader.
Jiang asked for a “specialty doughnut” – five Krispy Kremes put together in the shape of the five interlocking Olympic rings. Oh, and they had to be the right colors. That’s when Jiang got the surprise of his life. Jackie didn’t say no.
She furrowed her brow. How soon did he need them? “Uh, maybe 15 minutes?” Jia replied. Fifteen minutes later she appeared with her special five-ring Olympic doughnut masterpiece. That’s Jackie in the picture above.
Most amazing of all: There was no charge. Jackie Braun served Jia Jiang just for the joy of saying yes to a request she was likely never to hear again.
After Jiang posted the video of his doughnut encounter, it went viral. He received emails from people all over the world who were inspired to wage their own battles against their fear of rejection.
MSNBC and Fox News made interview requests. Jia became known as the Rejection Whisperer. And Krispy Kreme’s stock soared, in a period of seven days, from $7.23 to $9.32.
All because someone on the front lines of customer service, instead of saying no, said let me see what I can do.
As Jia explained in a 2015 TED Talk, his experiences of facing rejection helped him confront his own attitudes. Having battled fears and insecurities since the age of six, he realized he didn’t have to send a six-year-old version of himself into every conversation and encounter.
Playing it safe, emotionally, almost guarantees a what-might-have-been existence.
Do you yearn to live a life in which you never experience fear, and never need to take risks? Such a life would not be worth living.
Fear and growth go together like chips and salsa. As long as we want to grow…as long as we’re willing to embrace change…there will always be an element of fear.
Which means we will always need to take risks – even to risk the daunting possibility of rejection.
No wonder the Bible’s most frequent command is, “Don’t be afraid,” and most frequent promise is God’s declaration, “I will be with you.”
As author Eileen Guder playfully observes, “You can live on bland food so as to avoid an ulcer, drink no tea, coffee, or other stimulants in the name of health, go to bed early, stay away from night life, avoid all controversial subjects so as to never give offense, mind your own business, avoid involvement in other people’s problems, spend money only on necessities and save all you can. You can still break your neck in the bath tub, and it will serve you right.”
The decision to embrace change always involves a choice. We must choose between risk and comfort.
At some point, in order to grow, we will have to renounce comfort as our ultimate value.
But if Jia Jang’s experience proves to be a useful guide, at least we know we won’t have to renounce doughnuts.